Here I am again

It seems to me that nobody is using this xanga again...haha...feeling wonderful

Been a sleepless night again...after a whole day of relaxation and experience of my own feelings...sleeplessness came as the least thinkable....

Many times I wonder why I couldn't sleep...actually I didn't feel like sleeping at all...

I don't want to do my existing work...knowing that there will be more numbers crunching and explaning meaningless numbers ...the gap between the feeling and numbers....the troubling audit stuff because you made thousands of approxmiations to pass the control.....

Yet, you know that you are responsible for the whole stuff...may be I shouldn't....may be I should view that as mere work that I should put down from my shoulder once I got off from office...simply can't, right? I can't deny that it is part, if not most, of my life....

Yet, you know that next year will be tougher as the new team has no prior experience on that and it all counts on you...can imagine the tiredness of that....

It is a mixed feeling....knowing that you will live a new life without family and at a different places....it is thrilling if not frightening...so many forces stretching your life...the ideals, my dreams and the work...

The dayily devotion materials online reminded that Jobs see how great God is so he didn't say anything....yes, perhaps I should enlarge God's image in life in a more lively way...trusting him in every details and in every point of struggles....it is long road ahead...my "God" and religion is still so detached from my everyday life....

I guess, pulling the two together...experienceing God in every details of life...is what I should focus on in my life...Let's pray, not my work...all His

Things to Give Thanks For

Time flies and it is already near the end of one year. I still remember one of my colleagues used to send me a note of thankful events in his life each year. I guess it is good as human is a weak and forgetful being. When Isreals crossed the river into the promised land, they picked 12 stones as memory of such. May be it is time for me to do the same too.

It has been a remarkable year for me in many aspects.

If you know me, you should probably hear from me thousands of times about my relationship. I thanks God for giving me a partner with the same value and same God. I used to think that having God in between two people was just some empty words but it is not.

Having God in between 2 means we both agree our personal relationship with God is our highest goal and priority. It doesn't mean no conflicts and mis-understanding as we both are normal people. However, when that arises, we both agree to put ourselves before God (eventually). Starting from there, we have the love and energy of life to understand and love each other with wisdom.

God hears prayers and works in ways beyond imagination. My mentor used to remind me to pray for being a better partner. Yes, indeed, God has worked in my life. To be stronger in Him and understand what means by following Him. Nothing is more important in my relationship other than that.

It is by grace, that we are together.

Serving is another chapter of my life this year. I couldn't remember when I started to have the idea to be the leader of the fellowship but eventually I did.

Be frank, I did very badly in this service in terms of many things. There were conflicts and problems within our group. There were some times that our attendence dropped to history low. There was a time that I felt so hopeless about the servcie that I couldn't sleep well out of worries.

But there are many things I gained in serving. Through service, I know what is brotherhood. Partnering with a brother so different in personality but same in values is a very interesting experience. We know how to supplement others weakness, pray and support each other in times of needs. I still remember moments of praying together for each other and for our fellowship. I still remember having beer in our hand giving thanks for each other and for fellowship. This is the brotherhood I treatsure so much.

I give thanks for having 2 very good mentors in my life. What can you ask more having two Godly person in your life walking by your side? To support you in every aspect of your life? Spending hearing ears and praying for you in any time? I guess one of the best thing in life is that you know some person whom you can phone / msg anytime when you are in help. Truly, I know more about love and serving from both of them.

(To be continued... There are still b&s, colleagues and friends that I can still go on writing. God is just gracious!)

Random Thoughts

Been having some reflections lately. may be it is time to write it down before I forget.

I feel safer to blog here rather than on facebook where everyone can see your post. (I know that there are some settings, etc, to avoid that....but anyway). At least, people who don't really know me wouldn't keep checking / searching for what I wrote....(well, my thought only, I know that's not true in some sense)...

The fellowship at company has challenged me to think in a very different way. The brother I met there was a "middle-year" guy being a daecon in another church. He was very devoted in spreading gospel within the city by visiting the poors and the elderlys.

Having been so many years staying inside "church". I rarely challenged the idea of a "church". I stayed inside a building busy "serving" people and if not too mistakenly, my God.

But how about the people outside this "church"? Those living around this building?

Is a church merely a place where middle class people get together, raising them and live out the image of Jesus?

I doubt.

Many times I said I didn't know what I want to do. I am fine with my job with occassion complains on how meaningless crunching numbers can be.

Sometimes I told myself that working itself is a meaningful way of serving if I could act out the image of God.

Of course, it is a meaningful way. But is this direction what God called me to do?

May be I should pray more about this, about the path of my life. May be not mine, it is God's.

Meanwhile, stay focused on what's in front of me. Next year will be a challange of living in another country for such a long period of time. Sometimes I doubt if I can handle that or will I go astray and forget about God there. On the other hand, I know I lack the independence and strength to walk my life further.

Many times, I think too much with my legs floating on air. May be it is time to get to the ground and walk. Don't ask me what's the ultimate goal because simply I can't tell. But I know God is by my side and telling me the next step.

Keep praying. This is the core message I got this year.

(Though I am praying enough)

When life gets faster

Busy time flies....though it feels like years when you are in it.

Thanks God for the smooth quarter end. Data has a little bit of issue but it resolved rather quickly. Progress is always a bit better than the deadline...so far so good.

May be a bit better if I don't have to do so many admin work, though...ha.. anyway...

Insomania hits me badly this time....I once told myself I forgot how to sleep....It has become a pressure....even now...it exists even now....when I got onto the bed....guess it is something I have to live with it~~

But eventually ppl fall asleep, right? Haha, ya, I do....

Many things going on my mind recently....How to be make myself more consistent with what I believe? or rather say, how do I let myself being changed to be more like Chirst everyday?

How do I position myself in a relationship? Somehow, it is just more than time and listening....What's the meaning of 2 ppl getting together? I am not giving it up...but I guess it is a process of discovery from time to time...

oh...chat later

Rabbit Fence

Not sure if you have watched this movie before.

It is about Australian "whites" taking away those "mixed" to "higher education / civilization" back in 1940s.

Being taken away from their mothers, they were locked in a settlement and forced with education of the "civilized" and to be "advanced" into a better race....and may be after a few generation, the "black genes" will fade....

Three girls walked for 9 weeks along the rabbit fence, which divided Australia, through the desert and danger of being caught, reached their home again.

It is a touching movie....the perservence of the girls...yarn for the return of their mother....the "good" intention of the generation of the "whites"....

It also reminded me of Christians' lives nowadays....

We all walked by a rabbit fence....the road clearly indicated by the Bible....

It sometimes disappeared from our eyes in some desert areas...

There are dangers of being caught, rumors of distracting you going other directions...

You never know if you can make it there....

Look around, I am not sure what do you see? You see smiling people dining in good restaurant? or you see empty people with unmet needs in their heart?

Bible said the generation is blinded by the gods of this world....

Do they know that they are not at home? They don't belong to this world, chasing a better life?

They can return home?

My thoughts are a bit difficult to follow, I know....

One things I want to say is....we hold on our rabbit fence, the cross...

stick to it, no matter what....

because we know we are going home....to our heavenly father....no matter what